Current mood:	dead
Current music:	Tool-Sober

Return to Ruin
Greetings all, to those who love and despise me, those who worship me and would rather see me crucified, here I am.

Returning to the tumultuous life that is no longer mine.

I don't even know where to begin, or what to say, or how to say it or anything. "Sorry" can never cover anything. "Apologies" aren't any better, but I'm sure they are a start. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, I am sorry. So sorry. So sorry for everything. Don't forgive me. Don't say it's okay, because it's not, and probably will never be again. Ever, ever, ever. How many ways are there to say I fucked up? How many things have I to repair? I stare at the beautiful portrait I painted of my life that has been demolished, and I can't seem to find the right pigments to repaint it again.

I try to paint a new picture. But then something happens, and I have to start over. It seems my whole life has been about starting over. So here I am doing it again. New job, new home, new man, new everything. I work at American express now, everyone, work and work and work and work.....and work and work.....all day, all night, like the good little slave I've become. I go to an empty apartment at night, sit in front of the TV and wish that things were different, that things could change.

I've lost everyone I ever loved or cared about. Alli, Jen, especially Ben, Corey, Sam, Patty......everyone I love. And I don't know how to fix it, if I ever can. I don't know what to do. I wish a lot that my mom was here--funny, how when things go bad you always want your mommy. I'm so confused....so lost....so hurt....but it's my own fault, and that torments me.

*sigh* well, goodnight everyone. I look forward to the thrashing posts